I’m taking down the streamers, throwing away the party hats, and uninviting all of my guests— Depression, self-pity, anger, and insecurity. I’m shutting down this party for good.
I’m ceasing this pity party.
When you’re your own enemy, taking down all of the things that slowly killed you can be hard.
For too long, my own mind has pushed happiness out of the way and invited guests that should’ve never knocked on my door in the first place. My heart uninvited God and my lips questioned His actions. My eyes stopped looking up. My body always sent me to bed, but only for a restless night so that my thoughts could drown me out with all of the reasons why I am so unworthy.
I’m welcoming change into this New Year. I’m comforting myself and I’m going to kick the part of me that resents myself the most, to the curb. This is the change I want. The change I need. The change so desperately yanking at my funeral dress, wondering when I’ll respond.
Because I have been given a choice.
To love and be loved, and to look depression straight in the eye and say “You don’t own me.” To gain happiness and friendship back in my life. To show this world that I’m more than what they think.
To break my own heart fluently. To lose the person that I’ve fallen in love with and the friends that I have also. To completely wreck every plan that God has for me and to let Satan win. I can let depression overcome me and wait for redemption.
The first choice is going to be hard. But it’s welcoming my name and waiting to take my hand so that we can dance. It’s going to lift me up and show me the stars, show me the beauty of this broken world.
My New Years Resolution is to honor that first choice and keep a promise to myself that I have always broken— To stop being fluent in breaking my own heart.
Your heart rests upon whatever it is that you find is consuming your thoughts late at night, saying “You can sleep in a few more minutes; meanwhile, just listen.”
And you listen, because that’s what you would rather be doing; listening to your brain ramble on and on about this dream. This dream that you wish to fulfill with certain people and amazing places, and no matter how much you think of how it won’t happen, you refuse to let it go. You could be having actual dreams, but instead you choose to see the same dream that you’ve dreamt so many times before.
It’s like the sky; no matter how much you look towards it and gaze upon it, it’s so out of reach. But listen when I say, that sky will come crashing into your life one day in the most beautiful and mysterious way. You won’t even notice until you look away from the clouds and find yourself consumed by the blue that you wanted to get lost in for so long.
The sky will be a sunset, a beautiful, beautiful sunset; and that sunset will be so much more than the blue you wished for. Your dreams were filled with one color, looking at only one possibility. But once you start looking at a broader amount of choices is when you will see so much more than you were looking for. God will bless you with so much more here than you ever wished for, as long as you get your head out of the clouds and realize that you have been dreaming of this reality all along. So listen to your heart at night when it asks you to stay and listen to your dreams for awhile, but allow yourself to have rest in your reality.
Take that word and think long and hard about it. Think so much of it as if it was right in front of you, in bold letters, yelling to be noticed. Demanding to be felt.
Now ask yourself:
“What exactly is my identity?”
Is it who you choose to show everyone?
Is it who you really are when no one is looking?
Or is it a little bit of both?
If this life has taught me something, it’s this:
We need to contain the same identity no matter where we are.
If I am alone, I want to be the same exact person as I am when I am with everyone else. If I am with God, I want to be that same person everywhere else.
We simply can not afford to put on a show for this world. We can’t act like someone who has never seen a Bible in their life in front of our friends, and act like the thirteenth chosen disciple when we are in church.
But it will not do our hearts any justice to speak of our lives like it is some highlight reel and put our deleted scenes in the background.
People want to see those scenes that you choose to not show, because they want to know that they aren’t the only ones with something worth deleting in their life. They want you to turn this fiction movie into something real and filled with action. Put them on the edge of their seats with raw emotion and truth so riveting that they start to show some, also.
I don’t think God wants us to live our lives as if they were something perfect, but He wants us to actually be honest wherever we go, and not hide who we are to portray someone we’re not.
Make your real identity something so beautiful that it would put you to shame to even think about hiding the gift that it contains from the world.