I’m sorry I seem to expect the stars out of you, when six months ago I would have felt the constellations forming my name with just your fingers wrapped around mine…
I’m taking down the streamers, throwing away the party hats, and uninviting all of my guests— Depression, self-pity, anger, and insecurity. I’m shutting down this party for good.
I’m ceasing this pity party.
When you’re your own enemy, taking down all of the things that slowly killed you can be hard.
For too long, my own mind has pushed happiness out of the way and invited guests that should’ve never knocked on my door in the first place. My heart uninvited God and my lips questioned His actions. My eyes stopped looking up. My body always sent me to bed, but only for a restless night so that my thoughts could drown me out with all of the reasons why I am so unworthy.
I’m welcoming change into this New Year. I’m comforting myself and I’m going to kick the part of me that resents myself the most, to the curb. This is the change I want. The change I need. The change so desperately yanking at my funeral dress, wondering when I’ll respond.
Because I have been given a choice.
To love and be loved, and to look depression straight in the eye and say “You don’t own me.” To gain happiness and friendship back in my life. To show this world that I’m more than what they think.
To break my own heart fluently. To lose the person that I’ve fallen in love with and the friends that I have also. To completely wreck every plan that God has for me and to let Satan win. I can let depression overcome me and wait for redemption.
The first choice is going to be hard. But it’s welcoming my name and waiting to take my hand so that we can dance. It’s going to lift me up and show me the stars, show me the beauty of this broken world.
My New Years Resolution is to honor that first choice and keep a promise to myself that I have always broken— To stop being fluent in breaking my own heart.